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Offline Paul B  
#1 Posted : 17 December 2007 17:04:00(UTC)
Paul B

Posts: 2,001

FIRST TIME A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night, to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Offline matt404040  
#2 Posted : 17 December 2007 17:09:51(UTC)

Posts: 286

Offline Claire_91  
#3 Posted : 17 December 2007 18:56:09(UTC)

Posts: 194

Offline bother  
#4 Posted : 17 December 2007 18:58:07(UTC)

Posts: 655

Offline wlshyd182  
#5 Posted : 17 December 2007 19:45:28(UTC)

Posts: 1,734

haha like that 1...
Offline Paul B  
#6 Posted : 18 December 2007 17:07:20(UTC)
Paul B

Posts: 2,001

Tommy Cooper. Legend

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?", I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?". He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Offline Paul B  
#7 Posted : 18 December 2007 17:08:04(UTC)
Paul B

Posts: 2,001

and theres more, Just like that...ha ha ha

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Offline matt404040  
#8 Posted : 18 December 2007 17:25:32(UTC)

Posts: 286

west midlands police are looking for a "racest attacker"! i phoned the information line but apparently its not a job advertisement!
Offline Richren  
#9 Posted : 18 December 2007 17:32:07(UTC)

Posts: 4,437


Tommy Cooper .....................legend
Offline mp182  
#10 Posted : 11 January 2008 14:04:26(UTC)

Posts: 1,104

LOLnice oneLOL
Offline steve@wests  
#11 Posted : 31 January 2008 10:57:01(UTC)

Posts: 362

that is brilliant.just shown everyone in the showroom,and they are all giggling like mad!!! LOL
Offline Paul B  
#12 Posted : 31 January 2008 12:19:29(UTC)
Paul B

Posts: 2,001

Offline Philip_Robinson  
#13 Posted : 31 January 2008 12:23:10(UTC)

Posts: 1,222

Ditto steve!!!! Very funny indeed. That told her is suppose.
Offline Shaady  
#14 Posted : 31 January 2008 12:41:56(UTC)

Posts: 1,583

That man is an utter genius!

i would have loved to have been in that room and seen her face after he said that
Offline MattMcGuire  
#15 Posted : 20 February 2008 14:21:44(UTC)

Posts: 1,284

LOL like it
Offline The Clang  
#16 Posted : 20 February 2008 14:24:43(UTC)
The Revenant

Posts: 15,827

As an Essex girl, I am offended. Shocked
Offline wlshyd182  
#17 Posted : 20 February 2008 14:28:57(UTC)

Posts: 1,734

LOL like that1...
Offline m4tty100  
#18 Posted : 20 February 2008 15:10:46(UTC)

Posts: 3,268

Thats an old one but a goody
Offline iani  
#19 Posted : 20 February 2008 15:11:39(UTC)

Posts: 773

Originally posted by m4tty100
Thats an old one but a goody

Old ones are the best ones!
Offline black225  
#20 Posted : 21 February 2008 17:44:23(UTC)

Posts: 1,003
Location: South west wales

nice one mateLOL
Offline Jock  
#21 Posted : 21 February 2008 17:47:51(UTC)

Posts: 891

Originally posted by black225
nice one mateLOL

Knew you'd find that funny m8 Wink
Offline drpeppervsmrsalt  
#22 Posted : 14 March 2008 09:50:51(UTC)

Posts: 520

Two rats

Two rats in a sewer, one says " I'm ****ing sick of it, sh1t for breakfast, sh1t for lunch and sh1t for tea"
The other rat says, "Cheer up, we'll go on the p1ss later"
Offline drpeppervsmrsalt  
#23 Posted : 14 March 2008 09:51:59(UTC)

Posts: 520

another irish joke

A Kerryman is sitting trying to catch fish through the ice, when he hears a loud booming voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
He says, "is that you god?"
Offline rave  
#24 Posted : 14 March 2008 10:05:54(UTC)

Posts: 825

Offline m4tty100  
#25 Posted : 14 March 2008 10:06:01(UTC)

Posts: 3,268

Lol all good.
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